A mother’s heart

This is a story of a mother remembering her child after his death and how everyday of her life looks like.

To a mother, her children are grown up adults to only the world but a mother’s heart would always forever see her child as the baby they once were.

In the dark nights that follow each night, I sit trying to remember my son all grown up. But In my mind he is still the little black haired baby boy I use to hold in my arms. My heart aches and I feel that I cannot breathe.
I am awake thinking of you, as I so often do since you died. Tonight my sleep was interrupted by the thought of this being one month exactly since that day. It feels as if it were only yesterday.

We lost you on the 8^th of Jan. We dint even get to bid u a final goodbye. At least, I do not feel as if i did. I remember how I would kiss your forehead when you would come back home after you’d win a basketball match, and Then I kissed your forehead again at the funeral home when it was so cold. Still, all I could see was my baby, even when you were 25 yrs old.

As each day passes I keep thinking it will get easier but so far the pain still remains as if someone is ripping out a part of me. I wish I knew what to do with this pain. Mourning a loss doesn't go away easily. It is a long process of disbelief, shock, anger, depression, and a little acceptance.

You were always such a brave son, you always wanted to join the army, although I felt proud of your choice, but in my heart I would always be worried for you, and when you got that letter calling you to war, I prayed day and night for your safe return…

Return you did but not as how I had seen you go, you came back to me and you wouldn’t even open your eyes to see me nor would you speak to me to tell me that you love me even if it was for the last time

You always said you were going to live life like you wanted. And you did. You lived your life to the fullest, you lived life one day at a time, just as I am trying to accept your death, one day at a time.

Everyone loved you. I don't think I have ever known anyone quite like you. One by one everyone came to me wanting to share a funny story and to tell me how you were their best friend. It seems you were everyone's best friend. I was so tired from standing and listening to all those stories but would not have missed it for anything. Watching the faces of those who loved you talk, was wonderful. Each had their own special story to recall with tears streaming down their faces but still a smile or even laughter at the things that you would do. My baby had grown into a wonderful loving man and friend. You had touched so many lives. I only wish you knew how much you changed so many people. How special you were to so many.

I cry for you because your life was short and I know how much you loved living. But I know you are no longer tired, or in pain.  Now you can rest.

The struggle to let go is a long hard battle for me.  I do not know how long because I have barely begun the fight. Part of me wants the pain to stop and the other part wants to hold on to every little thing my mind can pull up. I feel like I cannot let myself forget anything, yet I cannot continue to sit and think about you every minute of the day. Meanwhile I count the days you are gone, and continue to have periods when I cannot control my tears. And every day when I wake up, the first thing I see in my mind is your face.